Think Twice Before Saying ‘You’re Not Fat, You’re…’

For a word that’s just a descriptor, ‘fat’ carries a lot of baggage. People dance around it, avoid it, and replace it with euphemisms—‘curvy,’ ‘plus-size,’ ‘fluffy.’ But ‘fat’ is not an insult, unless you make it one. It’s not a moral failing. It’s just a descriptor, like ‘tall’ or ‘brunette.’

Yet, when I call myself fat, the immediate reaction kind people have is often denial.

“You’re not fat, you’re beautiful!”

“You’re not fat, you’re fit!”

“You’re not fat, you’re healthy!”

While well-intended, these responses reveal an underlying bias—one that assumes ‘fat’ and all these ‘positive’ and socially desirable traits cannot coexist.

Fat Is Not a Bad Word

The problem isn’t the word ‘fat’ itself. It’s the meaning we’ve attached to it. Society has long treated fatness as a moral and personal failure rather than a natural and neutral state of being. But the truth is, fat is just a body type—one of many variations in human form. It doesn’t inherently mean unhealthy, unfit, or unattractive.

When we avoid the word or try to replace it, we reinforce the idea that fatness is something to be ashamed of. And when we treat it like a slur rather than a neutral descriptor, we contribute to the stigma that fat people face daily.

Fat Is Not a Feeling

Many people say, "I feel fat" when they actually mean they feel bloated, sluggish, or uncomfortable in their body. But fat is not an emotion—it’s a body type. Saying "I feel fat" reinforces the idea that fatness is inherently negative, something that can be experienced temporarily rather than a valid, neutral characteristic of many people’s bodies. Instead, it’s more accurate (and less stigmatizing) to describe what you're actually feeling—whether that’s tired, full, self-conscious, or any other emotion that doesn’t conflate body size with a negative state of being.

“You’re Not Fat, You’re Beautiful” Isn’t the Compliment You Think It Is

When someone says, “You’re not fat, you’re beautiful,” they likely mean to be kind.

But what they’re really saying is that fatness and beauty are mutually exclusive—that a person cannot be both at once.

Think about it: If we wouldn’t say, “You’re not tall, you’re beautiful,” then why do we feel the need to ‘correct’ someone who calls themselves fat?

This response also dismisses the speaker’s reality. If a person identifies as fat, denying it doesn’t change anything. Instead, it implies that fatness is such a terrible thing that we must immediately reject the idea that it could apply to them. (I note here that there are different scales of fatness, and smaller fat people have certain privilege not afforded to larger fat people).

A Better Approach

If someone calls themselves fat, you don’t need to argue with them or reassure them. Instead, follow their lead. If they use ‘fat’ neutrally, take that as your cue to do the same. If they express insecurity around their fatness, you can affirm them without rejecting their description.

• “You’re fat AND beautiful.”

• “Fat isn’t a bad thing, and you’re amazing.”

• “You deserve to feel good about yourself at any size.”

Shifting the way we talk about fatness helps dismantle harmful biases and makes space for body diversity. Fat people exist, and fat people can be beautiful, strong, healthy, successful, and worthy—without needing to separate those traits from their size.

So, let’s stop treating ‘fat’ like a dirty word. It’s not.